All it takes is a moment: the drop-off for a playdate, the birthday party, the lull on the bleachers at the basketball game. You start up a conversation with the parent next to you, and what do you discuss? Your children, of course. Naturally, it doesn’t take long until their casual comment about their seemingly brilliant, perfect, overly involved five-year-old sparks an internal spiral.
Immediately, the inner monologue begins: “Why does every other child seem ahead?” Then suddenly, you feel ashamed you even had that thought. You’re allowed to acknowledge the guilt, anxiety, and comparison you feel—those are normal, not personal failures you need to shove deep down and pretend you don’t feel. You can’t control your emotions—but you can control what you do with them. Let’s be real: Just like your kids have emotions when they’re struggling, so do you as a parent. (And that’s okay!) So let’s talk about it.
The Comparison Trap: Why It’s So Easy to Fall Into
In the world of “Keeping up with the Joneses,” it’s easy to forget that every child is different, including their learning journey. Comparison is real—and it will steal your joy if you’re not careful. Modern parents face an ever-growing list of challenges when it comes to comparison, and technology only makes it harder. Social media is quick to paint a pretty picture of an unrealistic life, making it easier than ever to fall into the life-sucking comparison trap.
Our milestone culture has turned learning into a race. You may think like asking yourself “Am I missing something?” is helpful, but it can quickly become harmful when it costs you joy, confidence, and trust in your child—and yourself. An article by Healthline states, “Negative comparisons send a very clear-cut message to your child that it’s not okay for them to develop at a speed that’s comfortable for them.” In essence, when you start stressing because you think your child is “behind,” you are inadvertently telling them that what they’re doing is not enough. As an Enneagram 1 first-born, let me just tell you: They’re putting enough pressure on themselves. Give yourself (and your child) the grace to grow at different speeds.
The Guilt Loop: When Concern Turns Inward
It is so easy to see where your child is falling behind and think, Did I not do enough? Or, Did I do something wrong? While you may not want to admit it, we are competitive by nature—and sometimes that trickles into how we view our child’s “success” in learning. That guilt can easily morph into a disguised productivity that leads to more worksheets, more apps, and more pressure on yourself, as well as your child.
A recent study by Frontiers in Psychology found that there is a strong correlation between parents’ social comparisons of their kids to others and adolescent self-esteem. While you might think it’s helpful, by comparing them to better-performing peers, you’re creating a performance-based culture in your home that will lead them to question their worth. Brené Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, explains in a HuffPost article, “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.” Don’t let your fear of the unknown overwhelm you. You may not know it all (actually, you don’t), and what worked with one child may not work for another. Grow together. Parenting has its own learning curve. (Consider downloading Brown’s free Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto for the moments you, too, wrestle with the “never enough” fear.)
Every Child Learns Differently—And That’s Not Just a Saying
The Centre for Educational Neuroscience in London points to a study with over 71 proposed learning styles. You don’t need me to list out all the ways that different children learn better with visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (hands-on) styles. We all know some people have to see something, while others need to hear something before it clicks. And that doesn’t even begin to cover how our brains are wired uniquely and how our interests can affect how we learn. While yes, there are often “typical” benchmarks, early learning is uneven, nonlinear, and deeply individual when comparing kids across the board.
Maybe it just takes a little bit longer for your kid to process what they’re learning, or perhaps their struggles may point to a learning disability. Regardless, instead of stressing, be curious and supportive of your child, equipping them with the tools they need to progress. Reclaim joy in your child’s learning, noticing progress without measuring it against others. Give yourself permission to enjoy where your child is right now.
Love Your Child Where They Are, Not Where You Want Them to Be
Reminder: your child is not behind, broken, or failing. You are not late to the game—you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. And in the moments where you feel overwhelmed by insecurities, take a moment to pause, breathe, and zoom out. The best thing you can do for your child is meet them with gentle, loving support for all of the ways they have grown. Will there be more spiraling moments in the future? Certainly. But learning is not a race, and neither is parenting. So take it one day at a time, and you’ll be amazed to see how far you’ll go.