updated August 29, 2019
There is a period between the ages of 8 and 12, aptly named the “tween” years, when puberty hits.
According to Dr. Nadia Webb, a pediatric neuropsychologist and director of Neuropsychology Training at Children’s Hospital in New Orleans, children begin puberty about two years earlier than one would expect. This means that your 10-year-old might still look like a little girl, “but she’s a teenager underneath,” she says. And there’s lots of tween stress that comes with that.
Tweens experience big cognitive and social changes that can only be described as stressful. According to Webb, it is in the third grade that children really start observing social changes. Children become self aware and notice if they have a learning disability, are overweight, or are dressed differently than their classmates.
It suddenly matters to children that they blend in with the rest of their peers and that they are popular. “If you are picked last for baseball, that adds six months to your therapy bill later on,” Webb says. “Every kid has something that makes them unique, but in third grade, it’s just a liability.”
Tween stress and peer pressure does not end with which jeans to buy. Webb notes that there is “a lot of downward pressure to engage in sexual behavior at a young age.” She states that children are engaging in sexual activity before they can understand the consequences, and that few parents are talking about oral sex with fourth graders.
Many tweens are not only dressed as adults, but are provided with tools — like cell phones — which could pressure them to act grown up before they have mastered abstract reasoning. “There is a reason why we don’t let them buy alcohol or drive cars,” Webb says.
Over-scheduled
“He has recently developed a “rude kind of attitude about him.”
Webb believes that children have more scheduled activities today than ever before. Rose Frost*, an 11-year-old who attends a private school in Uptown, is a good example of an over-scheduled tween. She stays after school four days a week for sports practice year-round and on Wednesdays she has Hebrew School where she prepares for her Bat Mitzvah. On Saturdays, Rose often travels to out-of-town track meets; on the following day she gets up early for Sunday School.
Because of her extracurricular activities, Rose struggles to keep up with the demands of her academic work. Her mother, Sandee, often has to wake her up at 5:30 am to do the homework she was too tired to complete the night before. Sandee says that sometimes her daughter gets so overwhelmed she will completely disconnect and stare at the television or sit and cry because she can’t keep up.
Her behavior is typical of girls experiencing stress. Webb says that the gender can be a factor in how a child exhibits symptoms. “Girls will get quiet and withdrawn and blame themselves, and boys will do things that affect the outside world,” she says. “They will be impulsive, irritable, and blame other people.”
When 11-year-old Nigel entered his tween years, his mother, Reese Johanson, reports that he started getting angry with his brother, baby sister, and even the dog when he was having a rough day. Reese describes Nigel as a “brooder” and says that he gets moody when things aren’t going his way. He has recently developed a “rude kind of attitude about him.” Every time you ask him something, he answers with a heavy sigh and what his mother describes as a “cold edge.”
Diagnosing a Disorder
“Depression is another common disorder exhibited by tweens.”
Nigel’s behavior is symptomatic of what Webb calls an adjustment disorder, though there are more criteria for diagnosing this type of psychological issue. Webb defines adjustment disorder as displaying emotional or behavioral issues in response to a stressor that exceeds what is expected. Signs to be aware of are social or academic changes in your child. You may notice your son or daughter regressing or losing skills. Webb has seen tweens revert to bed wetting or sleeping with a long-forgotten stuffed animal.
Though every child during their tween years may exhibit some symptoms of adjustment disorder, Webb believes that professional help should be sought only if your child’s behaviors persist for more than six months and they can’t be otherwise explained by “another illness or a change in personal circumstances” (like parents getting divorced). Webb offers that another key to determining whether your child has a more serious problem is whether they are acting out in all aspects of their life. For example, they are not only being confrontational with you, but also their teachers, coaches, and cub scout leaders.
Depression is another common disorder exhibited by tweens. According to Webb, it is often undiagnosed because it comes out as irritability. The Mayo Clinic lists additional symptoms of depression as a loss of interest in normal activities, insomnia or excessive sleeping, trouble concentrating, and changes in appetite.
Getting Through It
“The good news is that puberty does, one day, come to an end.”
Webb states that if you suspect your child has or is exhibiting symptoms of a psychological disorder, you should deal with them directly and immediately. Children’s Hospital offers an outpatient Rapid Treatment Program that can treat an array of psychological problems that children face during these years.
For children who may not require therapy, there are plenty of options available to parents to help them get through this stage. Webb recommends dusting off your old Judy Blume novels like “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” to remind yourself of the strain of your own tween years.
Sandee Frost can read the signs exhibited by her daughter, Rose, when the stress of her busy life gets too great. During these times, Sandee will try not to ride her daughter too hard and back off for a bit. She encourages her daughter to relax with her and read a book or watch a movie.
Reese Johanson has found that simply taking a moment to address her son about his behavior and identifying the underlying factors helps a great deal. Whether it be a rough day at school or that he is simply tired and hungry, Nigel benefits from open communication. Reese often tries to make time for the two of them to run errands or go on special outings. She finds this to be a much better strategy than yelling or punishing her son for difficult behavior.
The good news is that puberty does, one day, come to an end. The bad news is that when it does you will be faced with a whole new set of challenges that high school brings.
*names changed at the request of those interviewed.
Kelly Leahy of New Orleans is a freelance writer and the mom of two daughters. She has written about autism in a previous issue of Nola Baby & Family, now Nola Family.
For more back-to-school reading, check out the September issue of Nola Family here or pick it up at one of our distribution spots in and around New Orleans, including the Northshore.