May 7, 2020
It starts slowly…
At first, it’s understandable to not see your friend who just gave birth or adopted a child. They are navigating the world of sleep deprivation, but not caused by going out until 2 a.m. Mom or dad are eating partial meals (which will be for a while), not because they are on a diet, but because their child – or children – constantly interrupt them.
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It is after the multiple missed dinners, girls’ or boys’ nights out, anniversary, and birthday parties that you realize – particularly after looking at your friend’s Facebook and Instagram posts of them with their fellow parents at gatherings – they have gone on to what we singles call “Mommy (or Daddy) World.”
No more last-minute, spur-of-the-moment plans. It’s a world of new friends, new hours, and new priorities.
Where does the single friend fit in?
“I think it’s partly how close you are to the friends, what your relationship was beforehand and who is good at communication,” said Ashley Merlin Gold, a new mom.
“Relationships change over time, especially with girlfriends. It’s ok to grow apart.”
There is no one to blame for a friendship going on ice. It happens.
With the stay-at-home order and self-quarantine due to COVID-19, some friendships have rekindled due to free time and ability to use video chat apps, including ZOOM and House Party. But, whether or not this is kept up remains to be seen as life slowly returns to a new normal.
The friendship transformation remains a bumpy ride, so here’s a single’s guide:
Accept you will be frustrated with your friends. Plans will change multiple times, sometimes in the middle of making them. And guess what? You are allowed to be annoyed, but it is also time to realize this is how it is going to be. Accept, and move on. Reschedule. And possibly reschedule again.
Be flexible with your plans but stand your ground. Your schedule and life are important. That said, unless it is an appointment that can’t be changed, try to move whatever is on your calendar to work with the ever-changing needs of your friend. Dependable babysitters are not the easiest to get.
Yet, have a limit – your time is precious, too, and after the third or more rescheduling, make it clear that the friend’s spouse or significant other needs to commit to childcare for at least for a few hours.
You can help them out! One sure way to see your friend – and help – is to make a pre-arranged dash to their house just to visit, help with dinner, or even babysit so their errands can be completed quickly, or maybe even they can have a date night with their spouse or significant other.
“Sometimes there are long gaps where I don’t see them because life gets hectic,” said Jessica Ann Llanes. “But I always try to offer up just coming to them and hanging out after the kids go to bed, or dinner with them and the kids if it’s possible.”
“I feel very lucky to get to experience seeing my friends’ kids grow through the years.”
Accept that you will learn about diapers, baby’s first steps, school issues, car pool, the good – and the bad – of your friends’ children. Poop stories get old, but it comes with the territory. But all of the knowledge you may learn in the process will come in handy, particularly if you have your own children, or if you evolve into being the favorite “Aunt” or “Uncle.”
Accept the new friends. You are not going to like everyone, but it is easier if you welcome the new friend, who might also have a child that is best buddies with your friend’s child.
On the flip side, you may feel replaced by a new parent-friend. Yes, you have been. But that doesn’t mean you are not important to your friend. Don’t be a jerk to that new friend out of jealousy – because you are going to lose.
Accept a child’s tantrums, as well as the disinterest from a shy child and a teenager. Everyone had a tantrum when they were a child, and some sullen moments as teenager, no doubt. Perhaps you were a shy child, which to some people could come across as rude.
Be understanding when your friend’s child has a meltdown: figure out the situation and either let the tantrum work its way out or offer to help your friend.
The shy child? Let them be. If they don’t’ want to engage, that’s fine. Ditto with the sullen teenager. (Remember, you don’t have to deal with a teenager’s mood swings on a daily basis and that is a good thing.)
Tell your friends to stop saying, “I’m sorry.” Children are like cats – they are going to do what they want. (And even if you punish the teenagers, they are going to figure out a way to do what they want – just like a cat.)
Stay in touch. Everyone is guilty of not staying in touch. But with all of the social media options – Facebook and Instagram – and texting, it really isn’t that hard to check in.
“A quick text every now and then does wonders,” said Jenny Wise. “Even if they cannot text you back right away or even in the same month.”
Ashley Merlin Gold agrees, “The biggest thing is trying, even if it’s just a quick text to say, ‘hi’!”
This last topic is for the parents.
Your single friend may actually want to come to your child’s birthday parties or any other event.
Your friendship didn’t end when the child is born or adopted. Invite them, even if you think they will say no. And if they say no? Ask them to the next event. And the next.
A big part of friendship is knowing you are still a part of each other’s lives, even if you can’t go to Junior’s fifth birthday party or a girls’ night out.
Sue Strachan has been writing about New Orleans – its people, culture and traditions — for more than 25 years. She is the favorite aunt to her nephew and her friends’ children.