Here are some effective techniques for getting the behavior you want while building the relationship you need:

Plan ahead to avoid problems. Make sure a child’s basic needs for sleep, food and physical activity are met.  Let a child know in advance when you are about to leave a place or transition to a new activity.  Establishing routines makes life feel more predictable and manageable for both parent and child. 

Make your expectations clear. Get down on the child’s level, make eye contact and use touch when you really want his attention.  Speak calmly and firmly, and don’t use too many words so he can focus on what you’re saying. Say what you want him to do, rather than only emphasizing what he is not allowed to do.

Give limited (rather than open-ended) choices sometimes.  Occasionally allowing a child to choose between two things or activities that are acceptable to you can help her feel some control and increase cooperation.  But too many choices can be overwhelming.

Think before you say NO, but then follow through.  It’s easy to fall into the habit of saying “No!” all the time. When possible, communicate limits in a positive way so “No” does not lose its effectiveness (“I can’t let you play with that, but here’s something else for you to hold.”).  Don’t, however, repeatedly say no and then change your mind.

For young children, use substitution and redirection. Suggest an acceptable alternative whenever possible (“You may not throw the ball inside.  You can play with another toy or you can take the ball outside.”)

Pick your battles. Do you feel strongly about this behavior? Is it dangerous, affecting someone else, or violating a deeply-held value? Or is it something you can simply redirect?  Think before you react to your child’s behavior in order to consider how you want to handle something without a power struggle.

Respond quickly and consistently (but calmly) when a child breaks an established rule. Use questions to direct child’s attention to what you want him to do, but avoid questions that can be answered with “NO.”  Asking, “Where do the blocks go?” or “What needs to happen we leave the house today?” may be ways to encourage helpful behavior.

Try connecting before correcting.  A little empathy can go a long way to helping a child feel understood, and eventually, more willing to cooperate.

Use consequences as a last resort, and try to make them related to the behavior. For example, if your child won’t wait her turn on the slide at the playground, remind her that you will have to leave. Be prepared to follow though if necessary.

Never underestimate the power of the positive.  Young children want to please the people they love and depend on…even if it might not always seem that way.  Specific praise gives children an idea of what behaviors are acceptable and increases the frequency of such behavior

-nola family staff